Reflections an Agnostic Hesitant Believer


As a white suburban middle-class stooge, I’m well aware of the general gist of the Bible and many of its interpretations. When questioning my faith though, my skepticism had little to do with the actual word’ itself. Instead, it was the individuals who upheld that word the most who I blame (for lack of a better word) for my hesitation to indulge in unquestioning belief.

I’ve come in close contact with these people numerous times during my short life. A notable example of such contact occurred a while back while I worked a late shift alone at a fast-food restaurant. While putting the tomato dicer away, I accidentally sliced the living heck out of my poor finger. Blood was EVERYWHERE! After crying like a baby, I put two band-aids on it and continued making food for people. This one cheerful customer came in wearing a fanny pack (crazy people always wear fanny packs). She noticed my bandage as I had trouble operating the cash register with it on and asked if she could see my boo-boo. So I showed it to her (it was still pretty bloody) and then she asked me if she could pray for my finger. I said, “Okay”, so she touched it, closed her eyes, and asked Jesus to make the blood stop. When she was done, she suggested I apply pressure to it as well. Miracles take a minute to kick in I suppose.

Encountering god-fearing people

I can safely say that the most unpleasant people I’ve ever encountered were all ‘god-fearing’ folk. They all file neatly into two categories whether they’re some bully justifying hate with backup from their trusty Bible, or (unless totally insane) just some strange person wearing a fanny pack who seems a little ‘off’.

Am I a true Atheist?

I’m equally hesitant to consider myself a true Atheist as well. If there indeed is a higher being that made a conscious decision to create me (which there’s just gotta be), then I am forever grateful. But as far as these religion thingy go, I’m just not convinced. After all, I simply cannot help but constantly question such a concept when all the people who are most certain it is true are either evil or insane. I know these people can only speak for themselves, but with their predictable behavior constantly shining through, I can’t help but remain slightly skeptical when I pray for my soul.

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